Cancer Talk #18: The Hardest Chemo Ever

May – July 2015

As I told you before, I’ve heard that the effects of chemo could be extremely gruesome and hard for some people. Up until now, thankfully, I have only experienced one time where it was really bad for me.

When the pneumonia eventually wore off, my doctor continued giving me chemo. He had to experiment with a few drugs to see which one suited me the most and he was being extremely careful as he didn’t want to damage my liver further.

At the this point I was slightly less yellow. When my doctor decided to continue chemo, he gave me a drug that was supposed to give less side effects that the other drugs. As it turned out, my body had a different idea. I had ulcers everywhere on my mouth. I couldn’t eat for several days and had to be IV-ed with vitamins. I couldn’t swallow anything, it was so painful. The effect of chemo was so bad that my pressure dropped and I was once again transported into ICU for a night. The doctor was slightly confused of my body’s reaction since the chemo he gave was supposed to give minimal side effects.

Image from here

Seeing the effect it had on me, my doctor carefully changed the drugs and finally he found one that my body could tolerate.

The effects of this chemo were not actually that bad, but because it was combined with my steroid withdrawal effects and the fact that I was miserable and sad – I felt like giving up. I didn’t feel like eating, I didn’t feel like getting up in the morning because I didn’t have anything to look forward to, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, I didn’t have the drive to live. I just sulked the whole day, I woke up because I had to, I ate five mouthfuls before feeling sick, I cried whenever I thought too much and I felt angry all the time.

I kept playing the “if only” game…

If only I exercised harder…

If only I didn’t go out that night in Bucharest…

If only I ate more vegetables…

If only I didn’t take that Masters degree in Europe…

If only I didn’t travel so much…

It was a toxic game that I shouldn’t have done and shouldn’t be done by anyone suffering from cancer, but I couldn’t help it.


7 thoughts on “Cancer Talk #18: The Hardest Chemo Ever

  1. Aggy, selalu tetap semangat ya. Jangan berputus asa. Menurut Survivor breast cancer yg aku kenal baik, pikiran positif adalah salah satu senjata ampuh untuk mengenyahkan kanker. Aku hanya bisa mendoakan semoga kamu segera membaik, kembali jalan2 lagi, makan yg sehat2, dan beraktifitas kembali seperti biasa. Tetap semangat Aggy!


  2. I am glad to read that you have a new post, it tells me, at least you have the will to get up and write a new post. I can’t pretend to know how it feels but I will continue to think of you. How about, instead of playing “if only” play the “So glad I’ve done..” game? 🙂 For someone so young you’ve already done so much and trust me, there’s plenty of things to look forward to as long as you have the will!

    Thinking of you.


    • Thanks Amy for your constant support! Thank you also for the new game idea, I think it’s perfect (and also more fun to play!). I do love blogging and I kinda blog a lot here since some of the things I write are non-travel related, I think it’s important to keep doing what I love doing so I don’t drown in sadness and pity too much.


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