Socialising Now vs. Then

Lately I have been trying to “put myself out there” more. I feel like I have been too cooped up at home and really want to make an effort to go out and socialise with other people. In the past, if you asked me whether I was an introvert or an extrovert, I would’ve easily said extrovert. Now, I’m not so sure.

I have only started being active in 2017. My body was starting to feel good and I could go out without having any pain for at least half a day. I started hanging out at cafes and meeting my friends for a few hours. Now I can manage a full day out though my back would probably need some rest afterwards. I realise that I am still sensitive to sunlight. Not only does it make me weak from the heat but it also hurts my eyes which often leads to migraines. I got some sunglasses and it really helps me, though I still avoid going out in the blazing hot sun. Though my immune system is way better than last year, I still get super anxious around large crowds. I tend to avoid it at all cost. Sometimes I want to attend local events, but then I remember the heat and crowd so I know better and find solace in my books instead.

I am still adjusting myself to social situations. I feel awkward and out of place all the time. I worry about the things I say and I’m always afraid of talking too much. Millions of questions are always buzzing through my mind “why is she looking at me like that? did I say something wrong? did I say TOO much?”. It is not easy to be back socialising.

There are also times when I socialise with a new crowd and they do “normal” things that I can’t do like going out using motor bikes, eat at angkringan and other things. It’s just so tiring when I have to explain why I can’t go. When I decline sometimes I feel like a snob for not wanting to join them, but there are other times when I don’t really care because I know my health is more important. I’m trying to put my mindset towards the latter, because after all my health is important and if people can’t/won’t understand then tough luck.

Picture from Pixabay

One of the questions I dread most is “so what do you do?”. I wish I could just shove them the link to this blog so that I don’t have to explain myself. My mind immediately goes to my illness and how I’m still doing treatments when I could’ve simply just say that I run a small business. Sometimes I want people to understand, to know my history, but I know they don’t need to hear that. I am still trying to accept that if people want to get to know me more then eventually they will.

Oh I don’t know, is this normal? It’s just so hard to socialise. Most of the time I avoid going out altogether, it’s just easier.

One thing is for sure though, I may no longer be the extrovert that I used to be and that’s OK. People change. I find peace in my solitude. I enjoy being with myself and I love surrounding myself with books and paint whenever I can. Cancer has definitely shifted my personality. I am still trying to accept that it is OK to feel what I feel when I socialise, after all it is a journey that I’m still learning. Step by step I guess?

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10 thoughts on “Socialising Now vs. Then

  1. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert; as long as you are happy and comfortable with the way you are! 🙂 But indeed, a “shift” in personality like that doesn’t sound very easy especially because you have the memories of how it was before!

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    • Yeah exactly! I don’t mind being an introvert at all (though I think I’m maybe more of an ambivert?). I’m still adjusting I guess, I don’t feel very confident in a new crowd and I just act all awkward 🙈

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    • Hehehe I feel more comfortable with myself when I’m at home or with friends who know what I’ve been through. I am still learning to be comfortable with the way I am with strangers. Thanks mbak!

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  2. I feel you Aggy. I think I am a natural born introvert but force my self to be an extrovert (because this world seems to require that) and now I can be both. But I usually check my energy from time to time, and I trust my gut not to put too much pressure on my self. For me, a day with a good (sketch) book is equally fun as having picnic with friends.
    And if people ask what do you do? I think you are this creative soul that write and paint beautifully while being badass in your cancer battle :*

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    • You just made my day Dita! Thank you so much for your kind words, at least I know I have friends who understand me in this blog 😊 Yeah I definitely still need to learn to balance myself. I think I was just a little shock after so many years not socialising with other people. I hope one day I can also be like you, able to check my energy level and be OK with myself. Thank you *hugs*

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    • Hehehe masa sih? Gw akhir2 ini memang cenderung lebih introvert. Gw baru merasa nyaman kalau sama temen2 yang udah kenal gw banget. Yap memang dijalani pelan2 walau kadang agak stress sih hehehe.

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