Cancer Talk #28: Learning to Surrender

Mid 2016

(I haven’t updated Cancer Talk in a while because….I have been enjoying life :D)

By mid 2016 I had done several rounds of chemo. Don’t ask me how many times, because I forgot.

Ask me about the name of drugs used in my chemo, I won’t know.

Often I can’t remember whether my lymphoma is Hodgkin’s or non-Hodgkin’s.

Some may call me ignorant, not caring enough about my disease, or reckless even.Read More »

Cancer Talk #27: Back Fighting

March-September 2016

Let’s do a little recap shall we?

By this time I:

  • had been jaundice (so, yellow) for a whole year
  • had gone to ICU twice
  • lost my muscles’ strength
  • lost all my hair
  • had done several rounds of chemo and radiation
  • lost around 14kg of weight
  • had done several months of oral chemo at home

I was due for another check up. I knew that I still had to fight some more. So I left the comfort of my home, by this time I was enjoying making pouches and momentarily forgetting the fact that I have cancer. Being back at the hospital was mentally hard for me.Read More »

Cancer Talk #25: Home

November 2015 – March 2016

Being at home was simply wonderful. I couldn’t help but feel relieved. I managed to smile for the first time in a long time.

I still had some physical pain here and there but I was managing. I had a physiotherapy coming to help me loosen my muscle. My mum consistently reminded me to exercise. There were times where I felt very lazy. Sometimes I felt like I’d never be able to walk like before then I’d break down. As always my mum was there for me, firmly telling me I had to pick myself up, it was gonna be hard but I could do it. So I did.Read More »

Cancer Talk #24: Radiation

July – October 2015

After several rounds of chemotherapy, I was allowed to go home for a few weeks. It was so good being home although I was exhausted. That few weeks went by so fast. I had to be back to Malaysia for a consultation.

My doctor wanted to do PET scan to see the effectiveness of the chemo. After being home, all I wanted was some good news.

I shouldn’t have been so optimistic. I should’ve kept my expectation low. But no. I wanted the scan to be clear, that the cancer cells miraculously disappeared. It would be a miracle. I would tell people, bewildered by this miracle.Read More »

Cancer Talk #23: On Being Miserable

July 2015

Almost every night my parents would wake me up because they heard me scream in my sleep. I can’t remember when the nightmares started. Sometimes I could remember them, but mostly I didn’t.

I was finally out of the hospital, my new “home” was a lovely apartment, the home of a generous couple whom my parents knew from our time in Salatiga. It was a really nice place and I was truly grateful but I was miserable nevertheless. Read More »