Socialising Now vs. Then

Lately I have been trying to “put myself out there” more. I feel like I have been too cooped up at home and really want to make an effort to go out and socialise with other people. In the past, if you asked me whether I was an introvert or an extrovert, I would’ve easily said extrovert. Now, I’m not so sure.

I have only started being active in 2017. My body was starting to feel good and I could go out without having any pain for at least half a day. I started hanging out at cafes and meeting my friends for a few hours. Now I can manage a full day out though my back would probably need some rest afterwards. I realise that I am still sensitive to sunlight. Not only does it make me weak from the heat but it also hurts my eyes which often leads to migraines. I got some sunglasses and it really helps me, though I still avoid going out in the blazing hot sun. Though my immune system is way better than last year, I still get super anxious around large crowds. I tend to avoid it at all cost. Sometimes I want to attend local events, but then I remember the heat and crowd so I know better and find solace in my books instead.

I am still adjusting myself to social situations. I feel awkward and out of place all the time. I worry about the things I say and I’m always afraid of talking too much. Millions of questions are always buzzing through my mind “why is she looking at me like that? did I say something wrong? did I say TOO much?”. It is not easy to be back socialising.

There are also times when I socialise with a new crowd and they do “normal” things that I can’t do like going out using motor bikes, eat at angkringan and other things. It’s just so tiring when I have to explain why I can’t go. When I decline sometimes I feel like a snob for not wanting to join them, but there are other times when I don’t really care because I know my health is more important. I’m trying to put my mindset towards the latter, because after all my health is important and if people can’t/won’t understand then tough luck.

Picture from Pixabay

One of the questions I dread most is “so what do you do?”. I wish I could just shove them the link to this blog so that I don’t have to explain myself. My mind immediately goes to my illness and how I’m still doing treatments when I could’ve simply just say that I run a small business. Sometimes I want people to understand, to know my history, but I know they don’t need to hear that. I am still trying to accept that if people want to get to know me more then eventually they will.

Oh I don’t know, is this normal? It’s just so hard to socialise. Most of the time I avoid going out altogether, it’s just easier.

One thing is for sure though, I may no longer be the extrovert that I used to be and that’s OK. People change. I find peace in my solitude. I enjoy being with myself and I love surrounding myself with books and paint whenever I can. Cancer has definitely shifted my personality. I am still trying to accept that it is OK to feel what I feel when I socialise, after all it is a journey that I’m still learning. Step by step I guess?

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Spending a Day at library@orchard

Last year in December my dad and I did a quick trip to Singapore. My sister was moving to a new place and she was moving the day after I did my bi-monthly infusion in Malaysia. So we thought we’d drop by to help her out.

(I didn’t exactly help her out in the end as I was down with a really bad migraine. Woopsy. I gave her my moral support though :D)

We had a day spare and we decided to spend it at library@orchard. I already went once with my mum but it was too short of a trip. This time I wanted to spend more time and read more books. My dad was excited too as he had never been here before.

It started to shower when we got there, so we were happy to be inside this awesome library. This is a public library and it is located inside Orchard Gateway. Apparently it is a boutique library meant to attract young adults.

Channel Yoga Favorit di YouTube

Setahun terakhir ini saya memutuskan untuk melakukan olahraga yoga secara rutin. Awalnya saya hanya ingin menguatkan otot-otot saya, tapi setelah beberapa bulan rutin saya merasakan ketenangan jiwa juga.

Saya belum berani gabung dengan kelas yoga yang terkadang ramai dan tentunya saya tidak pernah bisa kan memprediksi pesertanya sehat semua. Untuk itu saya memilih untuk mendatangkan guru privat ke rumah.

Photo from here

Ternyata guru yoga saya enak diajak ngobrol dan dia memahami kondisi saya. Dia menyarankan saya fokus ke meditasi dan yin yoga saja. Nanti kalau sudah kuat bisa belajar yang lainnya. Saya sangat cocok dengan guru saya ini jadi sampai sekarang saya masih privat sama dia, terkadang ada teman yang gabung (dengan catatan dia sehat). Guru saya ini juga sudah tahu, kalau dia tidak enak badan atau batuk/pilek pasti langsung membatalkan janjinya. Pokoknya sudah klop ya 😀

Hello 2018

Hi everyone! A massive HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you!

I really can’t believe 2017 is over. I had a rocky start to the year as I had just done my stem cell transplant at the end of 2016 so the first months of 2017 was all about recovery. Then around March/April I received the result of my transplant which I will explain more elaborately later on my Cancer Talk post. I will say that the result was not as expected so I had to continue with an antibody infusion. However, I didn’t have to do chemo which is a big YEY for me, at least I get to stay home and do something instead of being so weak and tired all the time.

Persepsi Orang

Beberapa saat yang lalu saya pergi ke salah satu pasar organik di Jogja dan karena sudah sering ke beberapa pasar organik jadi saya tahu beberapa orang di sana. Saya selalu pergi dengan mama, kalau gak papa. Nah ternyata ada salah seorang ibu di sana ada yang memperhatikan saya. Saya kenal dengan ibu ini, ya gak kenal banget sih, sering ngobrol dan nyapa aja.

Nah suatu saat saya pergi dengan papa. Lalu saya membeli beberapa barang sehingga tas bawaannya agak berat. Lalu papa ambil tas itu dari tangan saya dan membawanya. Ternyata si ibu ini memperhatikan, lalu dia nyeletuk “Duh duh mbak Agata ini manja banget ya. Anaknya mama papa banget, kemana-mana selalu sama mama papa. Mbok ya papanya dibantuin bawa barangnya, mosok papanya yang angkat-angkat…”

Healthy Bites in Yogyakarta

I have been really enjoying my hometown lately. Despite the horrible traffic (that is getting worse by the minute), Yogyakarta is slowly turning into a city with interesting culinary choices. There are so many cuisines here from local food to Indian, Italian, French, you name it. I have to admit that not all those cuisines are worth trying since many are adjusted to the likings of “Yogyakartans” (hence sickly sweet :P), but there are some worthy of trying.

With the rise of many health-conscious communities in Yogyakarta, I also see many health-conscious restaurants popping up here and there. This really makes me happy!

Here are some of the places to eat in Yogyakarta that I consider to have high awareness of their food source and to ensure that their food is of the highest quality. I know that “healthy” is too big of a word so what I mean here is that these places offer a balanced diet menu, with lots of veggies options and often even vegan and vegetarian options. These places do not use MSG and make the effort to use mostly local products.

Picking Up the Pieces

Life has been weirdly wonderful. I haven’t updated my Cancer Talk section in a long time, partly because I just don’t wanna talk about cancer right now. But I will tell you this, the result of my transplant wasn’t as good as I hoped but it wasn’t a total fail either. I have to continue my treatment for another 6 months, but not chemo or radiation. The treatment is once a month, a two hours antibody infusion. It’s not painful at all, very fast and I can go back home after the infusion. I call this infusion my superpower recharge.

So what to do during those period at home? I feel well enough now to do activities (though not for a full day), but what activities can I do? I have no job, I cannot travel like I used to anymore, I feel like standing in the ruins of my life. I can’t just not do anything at home, it would be too boring for me and possibly stress me out. I am a person who actually likes being busy.

When I came back home after the transplant, I was happy to be back home. However, after a while it was easy to drown in my own sorrow, to feel sorry for being in this condition, to see all my friends thrive while I was stuck. I didn’t want to feel this way and so I decided to pick up the pieces of my life. I may not have the life that I imagined I had at this age, but I refuse to be useless and pity myself.